CarissaJoy's Xanga

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 04:59:15 GMT

Struggling this week with how to deal with loss as a part of my job at the hospital. On Saturday we had a "grief" (death) of a teenager. She was recently diagnosed with cancer and died kinda suddenly. Part of my job as a Child Life Specialist is to do handprints and/or footprints of the patient who died. We incorporate the prints into a collage/scrapbook type page and give them to the family as a tangible reminder of their child that died. The case on Saturday had its own set of unique circumstances with family dynamics and was a bit drawn-out, but prints were done and we were able to send the family home with them.

I've done prints before, but none of them really seemed real. The prints I did previously were both cases that came in through the Emergency Dept. so there was no relationship and they came in on the verge of dying. Saturday was different though. I realized after we had done the prints that I had met this girl and her Dad a few weeks prior on our outpatient unit. She was the sweetest thing ever and her Dad was so precious with her....I did my job on Saturday and drove home exhausted but hard-hearted about it all.

Today the reality of the grief hit me. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but today I grieved the loss of that girl. Her smile came to my mind. Her Dad's tear-filled eyes as he sat next to her lifeless body filled my mind. I was overcome by a sense of sadness tonight...so much so that I feel as though my tears kind of erupted. I realized tonight that I didn't allow myself to feel at all on Saturday and all my pent-up stuff needed to come out.

How do I deal with death in a healthy way? How do I process and then move forward after a day like Saturday? I know I suck at expressing tears and emotion as I see it as weakness which in return equals vulnerability. I know my coping (or lack there of) isn't healthy and I do want to fix it....just gotta figure out how...

Dealing with griefs/deaths is my least favorite part of my job so far!!!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 01:46:24 GMT

Another quick update:

-Started at CHOC 1 day a week...so far so good. 35 hours down and many more to go.
-Still working 1-2 days a week at the hospital, 3 if I'm lucky.
-6 more weeks till this quarter is over...then only 1 left!
-Highlight of the last month has been Disneyland in the rain.
-I am not an avid hockey lover and we are all about the DUCKS!
-Jaye turns 35 this year....
-Brother turned 15...where did the years go?
-My back is still messed up...going on 2 months of daily back pain...ANNOYING!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 22:15:50 GMT

Really, I'm not sure what to write...

-Christmas has come and gone. It was alright, but as always juggling family can be tough. We saw both sides though and it was fun. We are definitely looking forward to Christmases with our own kids, when we can stay home and expect Grandparents and family to come to us!

-I worked New Years eve...I got home from work at 11:30 and we watched the ball drop. Thrilling huh? New Year's day we saw Enchanted ( LOVED IT!) and then spent the evening with Jaye's family.

-Work has been good. I've had 3-4 days of work each week so far. Looks like my schedule will be a bit sparse the next month so I am hoping to find a part-time job...not sure what...babysitting, MyGym, anything involving kids that is flexible in hours would work!

-Started my practicum at CHOC yesterday...it wasn't anything too exciting, but at least it is started and underway! 14 more days to go now!

-Working on getting into an internship at City of Hope for the spring...we shall see what happens!

-Ummm...I think that's it. For more info or updates, check out our website as it is more up to date!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:23:24 GMT

Its crazy to me how quickly time has passed the last month or so!! WOW!

Work is going well! I have my last day of training this week and I work my first solo shift tomorrow night! I have a lot of shifts in the ED (emergency dept) coming up so I am hoping that nothing too bad happens! I'm excited yet nervous about it all at once! I absolutely love my job though and I am so happy to be a Child Life Specialist! I'll continue to be per-diem at LLUCH while starting a one-day-a-week practicum at CHOC. I interviewed at City of Hope last week and hopefully will start an internship there in March or April! All this school stuff and change is a bit crazy to me, but I am so grateful to have Jaye through this all! It is so re-assuring to come home to him each day and to know he supports me 100%!!!

Went to an incredible service at church tonight....it really put it all into perspective of why we celebrate Christmas! We have gone to CA (Christian Assembly) a few times and we absolutely LOVE it! I don't know what it is, but God is sooooo there! We love the church and feel quite at home there, even if we know only 1 person. I'm excited to see what God has in store for us there!

So yeah, life is good! Lately however, I've been missing my kids from BCC...There's a handful that I would really love to be with right now....there's those few kids that I'd give anything to wrap my arms around and be with right now!

Anyway, that's the quick update for now...more later.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 18:28:04 GMT

Almost done with week 4 of training...1 more week to go before I get to work my own shifts! After that, I'll still have more training to do, but at least I'll be done with training on the busier units! Working in oncology this week and I really like it! I like the kids, I like the consistency, I like the procedures, I like the routine! (o: Tomorrow I start in the Emergency Department...I'm not sure what to expect. The hours are late (3-midnight) so I hope it stays pretty busy as I usually go to bed between 9 and 10. Gotta love it!

Today is my last day of classes for this quarter! I am soooooooooooooooooo excited! I have a final today that I didn't study for at all, but I'm not really worried. After today I have 2 take-home finals to do and then I get 3 weeks off from school! It will be so nice to have a break from school! I am really looking forward to a few days at home hopefully!

Been working on internship stuff for the spring and it's been a bit frustrating lately! So far things aren't working out super well, but hopefully that will change and something will fall into place. I really want to be done with school already!

Jaye just finished at a 3-week placement and we are back to square 1 again...my hours will probably decrease now that I am done with most of my training so we are back to trying to figure this all out again! Yippee...

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 22:54:29 GMT

Today we went to yet another church. I guess we've really only been to 3 since I finished at Baseline, but it feels like forever since I felt at home at church. I'm not enjoying "church shopping" very much, yet I know its important. Does the "perfect" church really exist? Am I being too much of a consumer when it comes to finding a new church? So far, the one I like the most is 30 minutes down the freeway...that's kind of far away! The church we went to last week was too formal and seemed too much like a program or ceremony. The church this week was just too big for me and I felt like I was watching a performance at a theater. The past few weeks have gotten me thinking a lot about what it is I really want in a church...and I'm still thinking about it. So far, I know that I want to feel included and part of a community. I want to engage in worship in a way that brings me closer to my Creator. I want to be challenged and inspired from the pulpit. Am I being too picky?

A part of me struggles with looking for a new church as we could very well move next summer and then have to do this all over again. Do we commute to the place we seem to like most? Do we try to get involved on a deeper level or do we just go on Sundays? I feel a bit displaced. The verse about the body just came to my mind and I guess right now I am feeling like an extremity without a body or core to attach to. I desire community. I desire fellowship and growth, worship and connection. I don't want to be just a consumer of church.

New job!

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 00:48:44 GMT

So life has been really busy since I started the new job!!! Let's see...an update...

I've trained on our pediatric acute (general pediatrics) unit for the past 2 weeks and it's been GREAT! I love my new job!! Some highlights....

-one of our 6 year olds last week was getting blood drawn and we could hearing him crying from across the unit...the nurse was trying to be helpful and tell him how brave he was being and his reply was, "I not so brave" cried for the whole unit to hear!

-we had a 10 year old little girl on the unit for the past 2 weeks...she started out quiet, reserved, shy and by Wednesday she was shouting to everyone that she was going home!

-every Friday is movie day...we have a small theater downstairs and today we got to watch The Santa Clause 3...it was really fun!

There's a lot of things I love about my new job...some of them being: the hospital environment, being with cute kids everyday, meeting new people, having weekends off, something new everyday, keeping busy each day, meeting new families and getting to help them through a hard time, and lots of other stuff!

Thanks to my new job I had last weekend off completely!!! I honestly don't know when I last had all day Saturday AND Sunday off!!!! I stayed in my PJs till 5pm on Saturday, I got to go on a date with Jaye after that! Sunday we ran errands BEFORE church and then got to relax at home!!! I love this new schedule!!!!!

So yeah, the new job is FABULOUS and I LOVE it!!!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 02:27:44 GMT

I am officially finished at Baseline now. Today was awkward...that's the best way I can explain it. It was sad to walk out for the last time, but that means that life now moves forward and next steps are being taken...

Jaye has a job in Irvine for 3 days this week...he's animating the Lottery logo...funny stuff! He is going to go back to his old job for a few weeks to fill-in on a night shift until he gets a full-time/steady job...I'm glad he'll be bringing in an income, but I am not looking forward to multiple days in a row of not seeing him and sleeping alone...that is going to be really hard for me...

Such is this season of life...I can't wait to settle in to new routine and hopefully consistent jobs for both of us...sooner rather than later would be nice!

Monday, November 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 17:17:58 GMT

My office is emptied of almost all of my things. All that's left is my iPod dock, some papers, frames, and that's it...I want to be done already. I feel out of place and alone now at work. My last official day is Wednesday so tomorrow I will finish wrapping things up and leaving everything in place and then on Wednesday I will attend staff meeting and staff lunch and be finished. This is such a weird feeling. My stomach has felt weird all day and I've felt pretty down today. I'm definitely ready to move forward and am ready to get started at LLUCH. I'm not needed here at the church anymore and they've moved on already...

I finally heard from HR at LLUCH today...I have 2 appointments on Friday morning for physicals and shots, an all-day CPR class on Sunday and then my final appointment is on Monday at HR to sign all my papers so I can get started. It's really real now...I really am going to get to be a Child Life Specialist!!!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 18:35:39 GMT

I am ready to be done. I am ready to move forward.

Today has been alright, not really what I expected, but so goes life. Telling the kids this morning went really well and I am so thankful for the strength God gave me to be able to tell them with joy and peace. I was high energy and cheery for the first class and didn't cry until I had left the room. The 2nd class also went well with a bit of a let down once we walked out. At least it's done now. Telling the "grown ups" wasn't as I had hoped it would be and my resignation was announced with all the other annoucements. With the exception of 4 or 5 families, no one really said much. We walked through the day as usual...except with heavy hearts.

I am feeling anxious now and restless as I want to move forward. I want to begin the journey of finding a new church to call home so we can settle in and find routine again. I want to start my new job and know that I have days that I am scheduled to work and money that will follow. I want to begin again. I want to leave behind the hurt I am feeling and replace it with joy and begin the process of finding healing and renewal after all that has gone down the past few months.

So here I am...3 more days in my office at the church...moving out my stuff and leaving things in order for whoever comes next...I am looking forward to Thursday, to being done, to closure.